On Letting Go...

Am I the only person out there who spends too much time and energy analyzing things? It's not even an action I have a choice by, it is a part of me. I have always been the type of person to run things through my mind over and over, breaking them down, putting them back together, only to completely break them down again. What if I do this or what if that happens, how can I fix this, what did I do in this situation that I could do differently next time? I'm constantly looking for an answer and outcome to everything. It's partially because I am a perfectionist and partially because I am trying to figure out a way to make things work, always. Regardless, it can get exhausting.

Lately, however, I have been trying to work on my "inner me". ..trying to just sit back and enjoy the ride. Everything happens for a reason, reminding myself that God has the best plans for me and to trust in him because he will make sure everything turns out just right. If only it were so easy, though. Don't get me wrong, I put my full and complete trust in our Lord and Savior but I still can't bring my running mind to a hault, or even a slog jog ;)

Not only that but I have a hard time knowing when to let go. Knowing when to finally say, "you know what you've done and given all you can and there is nothing more you can do". Because although I'm just one being, I feel like if I want something to happen, I can make it happen. With or without others help. And while that can be such a rewarding mindset to have, it can also be so discouraging and unrealistic. Some things just can't be done by one person, some things take effort and care from other people, I'm not super-human, and some things just aren't meant to be.

Basically, my mind is on overload. I realize this post is all over the place and a bit overwhelming but I needed to vent and ease some stress.

I feel like I need to let out some of my inner demons...

• I have the most serious trust issues that make this whole "wandering mind" thing worse. More stuff to handle by myself. I am outgoing and ambitious but I have little desire to make new friends due to the fact that I trust no one. I bottle up so many emotions because of this and try to just handle and cope with everything on my own. I lean on no one but myself until I finally hit that point where I just break down and cry. I don't necessarily think I need to work on letting any new people in as I do need to work on opening up to those I've already given a place in my life. They are there for a reason and too often do I not take advantage of their abundant support.

•  I want so badly to see the good in people, there are some people in my life that no matter how hard I try, how much they hurt me, or how bad things get, I cannot give up on. It's a blessing in disguise but it definitely puts me through hell sometimes. I have a really straight forward way of deciding people's placement in my life. You do me wrong, you're out. (Unless of course you are one of my FEW special people who I feel I can't give up on). Lately, I feel like because of that, and the fact that I always put others before myself, that I am at times taken advantage of. I feel like I am always driving myself to the point of exhaustion for everyone around me, which don't get me wrong, I LOVE to help others, or I obviously wouldn't continue to put myself through the exhaustion but sometimes it would be so great to just get as much as I give. I can only blame myself for part of it, I need to learn that it is ok and good to give yourself "you" time. To take a day and be completely selfish and spend it doing the things I love most; sleep in, run, read a good book, take a bubble bath, not get ready for a change, watch my favorite chick flicks all day with a bowl of popcorn and no place to be. I guess the point of today's blog is to put my emotions into words so I can finally start making some changes.

Today, I vow to live for me. Which in no way means what you would think just by reading that statement. No, it doesn't mean I want to live selfishly and only for myself. It's a promise that I will continue to strive for perfection but in a way that doesn't drive me to complete feebleness, to continue to make my family and friends feel loved and appreciated every day while doing the same for myself, to understand that it's ok to take the time for me, that I can't control every situation no matter how badly I do or don't want that something to happen. To wake up everyday and remind myself that I am enough, to not beat myself up over the little things, take me as I am or watch me as I go. I need to be vulnerable and share my thoughts and feelings with the amazing people God has placed in my life, to take the time to just breathe and let things be.

xxxooo